Thoughts and hopes! Dream High!

Im 20 year old, i feel really old and depressed.. nowadays i realise that days are running so fast, it made me realise that the happy or sad time im going to have with my loved ones is getting shortened.. i haven't lived life to fullest, by the time i finish my studies i will be old enough, so my youth will be almost finished.. now im rushing through everyday to build a career, while forgetting to spend time with my loved ones. I pity on that!  I really feel like time plays on us! Like while i was young.. time was running slow, but now on this ripen moment when im able to do all things and healthy, time is running so fast, i realised this.. i love u my family! They means the world.. im sorry that lately im all sucked in with my career! And had no time for them..

Im depressed because i feel like im missing out lot of things in life. :( u know now im in 2nd year of my course(medicine) i really dont have any funful or happy moments in college because i have no real friends:(. I feel like im wasting my youth. Sometimes i feel like dating, hang out with a guy, attend a concert, travel far away, travel to beach, alone times etc and lot of stuff. and stuff like every youth do.. but i can't.. because i have to sacrifice a lot of time for my studies.. also family wont allow me dating a guy.. because my family is very conservative. Please dont consider our life compared to youth in usa and Europe. Ofc. American snd European teens have more independence and no family restrictions.. but here im all dependent on my family because lifestyle here is like that. If we move out it is seen as arrogance. Because u know this fruitful days of life, my 20s are like losing for my career goals, but by 30 i will be a good doctor, but at what cost? My youth is paid ...

I mean not lust! The true act of love! Someone who is really into u! Not for any physical reasons but some special magic exist between that person and u!  or u mean a lot to them! Someone who helps you to mould your personality? Sacrifice for you? Forgive? Don't hold grudge?  I feel like it's all overrated relationships for mutual benefits these days! Nothing real! It seems like a romanticised concept that little girls dream about!  P.s - I'm not in search in of it! But just wondering whether it really exists ? Like they say in movies ? Because world is filled with creeps and selfish humans! Nobody stays with you, except for thier own benefits. And just to clarify, I don't mean the kind between people with blood relations.

I just wanna say! First of all congrats! You have survived the worst! And u can still survive the rest and catch a good hold of your dreams!  Remember how hard you've been through to reach here in life!  Remember your persistence! Even they told you, u can't do it! Still you did it better than them!  Its alright,  you're not everyone's piece of cake! Sometimes i need space! I rather enjoy being myself than being with wrong people!  Also stop being so self conscious! You're completely alright! What makes me is my dreams and goals! They aint you! You're a special kind! You dont need anyones assurance!...  Don't be there for everyone, always, there u gonna lose ur spark! Stop pretending to be too nice! Not everyone deserves to see the real you!  You is you! What they have about u inside thier mind is of thier perceptions about things, it completely depends on thier personality and u dont have to pretend to be nice inorder to please them!  It's ok! Yo...

Honestly idk why I'm so disinterested in what my classmates or friends talk of other than the study stuff. Maybe I'm so different and haven't met the people who has same taste of interests as me..? But I really get well along with some people, it's a different thing. I have a lot to talk to them, but to most people I'm really disinterested in thier topic of interest.  Idk why. :-/ I have acquaintances but not really any close friends with whom I can share my thoughts and views.  Even my sense of humor is wierd lol! I laugh at silly things which I find funny, like something which others wont even bother about. But I feel nothing but numb when some people*(friends) say stupid jokes and they all laughs hysterically but idk I never got anything from thier stupid joke.

I will finish my undergraduate course in medicine when I'm 25. I still have a long way to go..  At 25 i'm not even settled while friends in other career settles and earn a good job by 25. I still have to study 1yr for plab, again 3years internship( junior resident) and then MRCP exam for post graduation and then again 3 years as specialty training. By 8 years from now *(now I'm 20) I will be settled.. but for what? Ok good career for what, f sake? I just have to waste my youth.. ;(  I really dont want to spend time for my happy times in old age once I'm a granny. Even I'm not sure. When I'm gonna date or marry someone yet.  Also once I'm 30 and settled. I will be old and dont have much power, enthusiasm, Carefreeness as much as I'm having now. I think this is the time or by 25 I should get out the house and go get my dreams fulfilled.. Unfortunately I cant. Because I need to build the career,  I'm busy building a career while I'm forgetting to li...

For some or the other reason I'm sad. Why this just happens to me always..  even though there is nothing to be sad about.. I'm still sad for unknown reasons .. or for silly reason..   I'm sorry everyone if I'm a burden to everyone. I wish to be a better human but idk I'm always this way..  Nobody remembers the good deeds I did to them. Everyone just ignore my existence. I wish I had better colleagues. Better family.. better life. And better looks. :( I wish I had atleast even a bit self respect and confidence. I live every day aimlessly. Particular goal..in life... I wanna be a independent traveller girl. But honestly idk if my dreams will ever come true.. and find true love of life. But I'm not sure if I'm ever gonna find one because I'm not drop dead gorgeous only thing i can ever be proud of myself is my career*(I'm a doctor) but still comparing to fellow colleagues I'm a shit. .. Anyway thank you all for reading..  atleast i can now lay my he...