Thoughts and hopes! Dream High!

So it's going great, its December 24th, christmas Eve. People around the world are having family get together, jingle bells, busy decorating the xmas tress, people building snow man, people falling in love, making love, people purchasing goodies, people laughing, eating, walking around the streets with their loved ones, joking, watching movies together, so on.. what not..   People are having the best time of their lives.. well sadly, it goes only for rich and affluent people.. People from economically lower income and poverty are struggling each day to make it into next day, nobody remembers them,... my heart goes for them..  Also to the Lonely people around the world like me, who is laying in the bed in darkness, struggling with her thoughts and impending feeling of missing out making good memories in this lovely Christmas times..  Well christmas isn't Christmas anymore for me..  Rather I'm more depressed on these special days.. I get that anxious feeling of mi...

I can't stand disrespect, why should I bear that, if it was another 21 year old young doctor would these assholes gonna disrespect them like this? No right,  I deserve the fucking respect. I worked my ass off.  Well love for family is there but no fucking disrrecpet.  I'm not a think for anyone to get played with  I worked hard and earned my stripes.. and still working hard . I dont think being introvert is a big deal.. I didn't find any of those conversations fucking interesting or I didn't felt like I had something to contribute to that..  So I remained silent.. what the fuck is wrong with that?? I talk only when I feel like I need. What's the fucking problem with that.  I dont know..  These mother fuckers.. I dont care what they think about me.. I've worked my ass off to get where I'm now.  They might be living in a fucking different world.. but I know who I'm and what I'm..   And I know my fucking goals and yes  i surely fuckimg...

Trying to fit in am I losing myself? I wont betray myself.  I worth  I will not self degrade myself infront of anyone for anything at all.  Fuck you bitches.  I own me I'm everything and I fuckin love me myself, my family, my parents, my home and my career .  I will build a beautiful future for me

Not with the cute boy I saw at my cousin's wedding, Not with the guy whom I used to stalk everyday But with myself, with my life,  With my father who did everything to see me succeed in life,  With my mother who sacrificed all her youth and strength for my well being.  With my grandmother who rose every day at 5am's to cook good food for us without expecting anything in return.. Falling in love with my career which I used to hate earlier. Falling in love with my family's love which i used to neglect earlier and focused on worldly lust and social media  Falling in love with learning my lessons Falling in love with my face and body which I used to think ugly and hide from the world Falling in love with my journey and the tough times I endured Falling in love with my room where I spend all day and night and decorated the way I always wanted Falling in love with my failures, difficult times and scars which taught me how to survive Falling in love with my lights, with my ...

Sun lit 7am, golden rays of glare is shooting up  and plurging into my room as yellow sunshine, where I'm trying hard to keep myself together, once again it's time for my anxiety to kick in and kill myself with heinous thoughts, like the way its killing me each day,...  Looking around I can see, early morning showers washed the greenery around, tips of leaves with hesitant raindrops, hesitant to fall of from her only support, chirping of lovely small hummingbirds added to that somewhere along voice of a lonely kingfisher is loud enough to engulf all the little sound around.. that's quite horrifying, I'm terrified inside for myself and my old grandmother who is quite old, I'm drenched in the fear of losing her and my parents someday,. enough, it's enough, life, you have thrown enough shades on me,..  7am but i haven't even slept yet... Juts stop for a while, I've died enough everyday. Now let me rest. 

I owe and own me. I don't care about the world, it took a lot for me to reach where I'm now. I've survived, I appreciate who I'm. I love the perosn who I'm. I appreciate the qualities I own and things I own through my hardwork. I wouldn't trade this girl for anything at all.. All I want is she.  I've walked through the storms and those scars, flaws, bruises and pain made this girl stronger than ever.. I will not get blindfolded by this stupid society or people's stupidity and perspective anymore.. .☺☺

Why is it life so hard, yea I'm trying my best to stop being so dramatic and posting in social media. I think it's no use, nobody cares, I've been through worse but nobody cares,  Friends what for ? They barley cares, I dont like them anyways, I don't vibe with them or they have barely anything that interests me. I wish things were better. I'm trying a part but sometimes it seems like nothing is going right, healing takes time and  it can be harsh too sometimes, but sometimes this lonely feeling is overwhelming I have to pretend to be strong infront of all assholes who is trying to put me down. Remember not everyone is your friend. Neither you own anyone any explanation. I wish I could see myself as beautiful and smart, and realise my inner worth, why is that why am I seeing myself on the lowest level?? Even though I'm doing okay but why is this feeling dragging me down always, I wish I was kinder to myself and respected myself better.  I know childhood but I...

Beauty that was the word that always pulled me downwards.. as a kid, many people I knew used to put me down because of me being in darker complexion.. I still remember words my ugly minded relatives threw at me, even my own mother was judgmental, the words they used to bash at me stil drag me down always. as a kid, I was just naive and those words just killed that inner gorgeous smart me. I started to be so self conscious, as a teen I had a bad time, I never realised the importance of self, now as a young women of 21 I'm understanding the value of self and how to stand for myself.. I'm learning the beauty in self..  my uniqueness.  Its beautiful to think about how tables turned around, once my asshole relatives used to pull me down, now look at me..  who's the boss? I'm thankful to jesus, if it was without him I would have been nothing,.  I'm grateful for his grace.  Thank you God.  Help me to grow into strong self esteemed women of worth. I want to chase m...

One of my weirdest hobby is.. naked self talk, it's nothing erotic sexual or anything. I think its liberating, being myself, knowing my flaws, my beauty, appreciating my curves.. nothing sort of sexual pleasure, it's just that i get naked and I look at myself in mirror and ask myself you think you're ugly? Now look at yourself, you brave little women, how far you've come in life.. I'm proud of you, i talk to myself regarding my life, recalling all the moments when people made me cry, but I didn't gave up I believed in myself, at the end of the day, all I have is myself, when I'm naked and alone I'm teaching myself how to be comfortable with my own self, honestly I talk to my soul, there's nothing more liberating than this. In everyday life you see, I'm a sort of shy young 21 year old medical student, my life isn't that great, I've a hard time interacting with people because of my low confidence and self consciousness about my appearance.....

I really wish I had friends..😓 umm.. yea there were enough opportunities but I was unable to make use of it because of my anxiety and low self confidence rooting from my fucking childhood traumas. I wish things were better, I wish there was someone special in my life with whom I can say anything without having a feeling of guilty because I feel like I'm a burden to them and they aren't interested in me. Quora was a great platform, there too I messed it up, I wish my 20s were more fun than this, I dont want to settle for this monotonous life, I wish there were something interesting. I know I shouldn't give, and future,that's the only hope, thats why I move ahead everyday irrespective of these struggles in my daily life,  I know I got to nurture myself, but what sucks is that I keep going to my old habits,  I just feel tired mentally and physically I wish I could write more and Express my feelings, but nah, I'm just tired..  let me sleepppp..  😥 forever ? No maybe a...