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Confessions!


Right now it's 2:08am! I can't sleep! I m now depressed by lot of thoughts! Idk what to do!!! I feel a suffocation deep inside my heart!! There's a feeling in my head "you can't reach nowhere!! Well I have reached here from exact zero so I can trust myself i will become successful someday!
I m in a delimma! Currently being 20! Most difficult age to manage! I am not the person I used to be! Priorities changed! Agressiveness towards family increased! Sometimes I can't control myself I tell myself not to, still I shout at them! I m so sorry I can't control my temper! I m such a bad daughter! I m sorry!  Increased urge for fantasies! Giving importance to unimportant people! Priority to crush! Bad attraction! Increased urge towards opposite sex!
All these things are in short! There's lot more happening in my life! It's difficult to make up into words!!
My best friend nowadays is depression, anxiety, shyness, cowardness, dependence, and every other negative adjective! They all cover up and accompany me wherever I go!! And I have extremely zero self confidence, self esteem, and not self reliant!! I feel so sorry for myself!  I have to build myself because nobody is going to come forward to help me! I tried to build some confidence! But lot of issues again brings me down! There's a lot of shackles I have to face! I m trapped! Idk how to break this!!!

Before I was someone who was so close to God! And read Bible daily , a faithful Christian and attended church frequently! But Now idk why i m wasting lot of time instead of studying and doing lot of unecessary actions in life!!!
I m such a careless person!
In Some way I might be a good person ! But in a wrost way I m soo bad bad girl!!! I feel pity for myself!
One of the biggest problem in my life is!! Giving importance to unimportant people!! I suck at this!!
In a day about 5-6hr I waste thinking what other people think of me or some old embarrassing situation and feels pity for myself!
I m like everyone's opinion matters in my life except my own!! I m not trying to put myself but this is the truth!!
I won't say I hate me! But I hate lot of things about my personality!! I m like " WTF am i doing with my life?????? Wasted away isn't?

I m now cluttered! Need to clear out all the rubbish from my mind and start a clear life once more! My Brain need some cleaning service!! But
idk how to!! I Need someone to support me emotionally! But I have no one to depend except me!!
And 20 yrs from now!! Oh Jesus!! 🥺🥺😔😔 I can't even imagine my parents getting old! I love them a lot! I can't lose my Granma and everyone in my family!! Thinking about future gives me a severe heartache! I don't know where we all will be! We all kids grew together! And after some years I can't even expect where I will even be? Apart from all my family!! Well sure even though we might me separated by distance but connected by soul! I believe so!!!!

I am so sorry for everything my fam!! Let it go!! My city!! My home,🥰🥰
I love this place! But I want to move on!! Somewhere in the earth where I can be safe and be happy with my family!!

I know I m just 20! In next 20 years this feelings might change!! So the feelings I feel now is just waste!! I really need a some emotional maintenance! I m fucked up!! My mind is now in a devastating condition!!

Jesus, I m thankful for such a beautiful family and parents! Can't never get better than this!!
And Thank u Jesus a million times for guiding and helping me! Don't stop guiding me! Don't ever let me go astray!! I will be a faithful Christian forever!! And a good daughter to my parents and a honest person and nice person to everyone else out there!!!

Did my blog sounded immature? I'm trying my best to improve; thanks a lot everyone for appreciation email! Really loved everyone's love and care! Lot of love!!

I hope my blog will become successful someday and more people will read the blog! Now I know I reached out only to very few people! Well thank you for all those who kept reading! Well I haven't done anything awesome! But speaking honest truth! That's what I'm doing in this blog!

A deep message for my crush( u won't see still, to feel good for myself I m posting this) - ; Bitch stop, nagging me everything! I don't want to be your better half! You could never be the one I wanted! And also u r not a Christian so u can't never know how I feels inside!! Bye! Don't look me with that eyes anymore! Adopt me as your sister! I will be always there to help you bro!/) 😏😏
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