Jeevithame oru nadakam alle.. maduth, odukathe english, njan on ente bhashayil parayte, enthinavo entho ee nadaka jeevitham, avr parayum you should find happiness in little things, onn parayado... how can I find happiness in my little miserable life. Maybe my life may not be miserable for a outsider, they see that i have a good family and a amazing career, but outsiders, shut the fuck up, what do you know about me? Do u know my dreams? do u know who I'm without all those factors, canceling all those parental and social expectations do you know what Anagha want from life? Do you know all the childhood traumas and judgements she faced? Your answer is No right.. you don't know what she struggled and what childhood traumas made her the person she is now... how anxious she feels when things doesn't meet her expectations, when someone ignores her texts she worries a lot, she puts others needs before her but all she get in return is pain.. thinking about my spoiled college life is the primary cause of my depression, I mean we land into college with a hell lot of dreams, but life was pathetic ever since I joined college, not that I hated medicine but my miserable college life and overthinking about it drag me into depression so i'm not able to study, I was a loner, I had no friends, without friends what is life? You tell me.. I wish I had good friends, out of my introvert attitude, I always stayed silent so i never attended any college functions or programs because even there i didn't want to be lonely once again.
And being ugly is a burden. Looks matters, I know when it comes to deep relationships in life all that matters is soul, so my loving family don't care how ugly I look, but when it comes to social life, it sucks. I'm always self conscious because I was and I'm ugly i was told like that by my ignorant mom and relatives they never knew the importance of teaching the kid the way of loving who you're just the way you're.. rather they blamed me for being darker in skin tone. I was shamed all my childhood and now it's always rooted in my heart, I don't know I just can't get over that traumas. When it comes to relationships too everyone wants a attractive partner so people like me I dont know who the hell will someday find it attractive enough to marry me. Well there are amazing people who looks more than just the appearance I know but due to my low self esteem I'm socially awkward so i really don't interact with people much so if i ever come across such man how will he ever know me if I be like introvert forver. Idk. It seems like my life is doomed. Oh heaven, I wish i was confident enough to love who I'm and speak my mind. I wish I could erase this fact of ugliness and appearance from my mind.
It's like literally no one cares, unless they are me they wouldn't understand how hard it's to be inside my mind..I often feel worthless, unwanted, ugly, pathetic, socially awkward.. I don't know
This is not the 20s I dreamt for myself now I'm in darkness, everyday I wake and the same anxious thoughts and panic comes back which was haunting me the previous day.. sleep is the only time when I'm really in peace. Each minute of existence is pain.. I wish I could really enjoy living.. I wish I had good friends or a boyfriend with whom I can open up my mind. I wish I had a better childhood and better friendly parents..
7 billion people on this planet and not even a soul who really knows me and find its interesting to talk to me.
I know my parents are kind of good yet not the best, they are pathetic unfriendly parents I grew up anti social from all the judgments I ever faced in my life.. because I have that constant feeling like I don't matter, they are superior, I'm ugly so they wouldn't like me.. or I'm stupid...so on..
It's just hard to be me. I wish I could cut off my fuckimg brain so I could stop overthinking and having these worthless thoughts about all the worthless people in my life...
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