Hi Anagha,
I don't know what it is.. it's a long time since I'm genuinely happy. Idk when was the last time I was genuinely happy? Maybe just before joining college..
I'm not complaining about the college, it's the best I can ever dream of. But many things just fucked up my life since 2018 September. I dont hate there or anyone there but just I don't find happiness there.. well anyways I had problems before too but that aggravated when I joined to college and meet new people.
Everyday I'm make uping myself to pretend to be happy.
Sometimes I hate my mom because she played the major role in my despair..
1. )she and her family told I'm ugly therefore killed that confident me long time before..
2.) I grew up seeing her all day crying and mentally unstable attitude kinda screwed up my life.. I acquired that stupid emotionally unstable attitude of her.
3.) Bad parenting. I wish I had better parents.. as a teen I didnt cared much because I was unaware of everything but now in my 20s I'm realizing what real parental love is which I never got..
Physically I don't know, I hope nothing goes bad, I don't feel good. I feel weak at the moment.. lower abdomen pain and breast tenderness I don't know if it's a benign tumour.. kinds seems like.. I give it to god.. I don't no more want to suffer.. I lack words.. pain I had and having, don't have anymore energy to add this to that.
I'm thankful to jesus, even though I can't see him. He held me and loved me. I've felt his love several times.. especially on neet day, I can't ever forget, that day.. the godly presence god endowed with me that day.. thanks lord for loving me unconditionally.
World is conditional. Ofc family is not that great but yea granma, my late grandpa, my parents and close relatives offer me unconditional love. Good to have atleast them. But other than them. other kind of love you get in this world is conditional looks based on looks and money.. lust filled world. I'm a victim too. Guide me god. I dont want to be like them.
I wish I was prettier, it's like you you can't ignore, looks do play a major role in this society, confidence to wooing. Maybe in that aspect I wish I had better looks, atleast I can be confident about myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see my face.. I'm disappointed, but that's okay, a beautiful face is never a criteria for people who genuinely love you, my family and godly love is that. I'm just this way, I accept myself, I can't change... the ones who choose people based on looks definitely doesn't worth a chance in my life. Such kind of people let them go..
You deserve someone who love you for the parts you think are ugly. :) I'm pretty sure you will find the one. Maybe later.
After all life isnt about wooing, that's just a part, the biggest part in life is about you, build You. Put your name above. Work hard, engrave your name in the book of sucess via your hardwork and good deeds.
Build that wiser, stronger, braver,
Its beautiful that I'm preparing myself for that amazing Anagha.🤗 don't quit, keep working towards it. Definitely it adds up.
You have nothing else to panic about, you have a good life.. and no regrets. You haven't done anything wrong, its just you're over critical. And just don't overthink about certain people, it doesn't worth to think about anyone unless you have any connection.. it's no right, so keep it down. Focus on building yourself and your goals.
I would never kill myself, even though how hard it is.. I want to make it big, anyways I got this far, I will work hard and succeed. My life is about me. I want to sucess infront of people who put me down once, and to achieve my goals, to travel, own home, dog, decorate my room, get a car, go to places, see Aurora borealis, wanna do all these things, lots of goals to accomplish so I can't end the chapter unfinished:) I will do it. I will try to grow wiser and bolder and stop being affected my this worldly nuisance.
About life partner I don't know, I give it to god, if its mean to happen, god will find a worthy man for me untill then I should keep my heart safe.
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