I'm sorry parents and family im not the best loving daughter you wanted me to be, although deep inside i love you guys but i have a hard time expressing that, okay im no more gonna talk about the word trauma, i had talked about it enough, no more gonna revoke it, let it heal. i wish i loved and was more caring to my old granma and parents, its just hard for me, you live in this stupid world and you are influenced by all the shitty priorities in the end all that matters is family. although im not doing bad in life, i mean im really where im more than i could ever dream of myself thankful to the lord above for the oppertunities he endowed me with. im really glad to be a doctor, i seriously doubt myself whether if i can do it, probably i could thats why god brought me here, all these insecurities arise from my low self esteem. well its hard sometimes, believe me, mental health is a real thing, i dont know whether i have any issues, im not yet clinically diagnosed so i cant comment about it, but certainly there is some fluctuations within me, those with normal state of mind would never understand this.
you know what i do everyday? as soon as i wake up this sadness and overthinking come back and surround myself and pour the sadness once again which was supressed for a while when i was asleep, i try my best to hold together myself, somedays i succed to fake hapiness, somedays i just cant, i wake up, this starts to surround me and waiting for a oppertunity to engulf me, i pray and cry in despair for help. and wait for sleep because thats the only time im away from all these struggles, everyday is a struggle, wake and then this comes back.
you guys can easily say happiness is a choice?? are you serious? i mean why would we choose to be sad, if we can be happy? its not in our hands, somedays we just cant help, its all in our head i know that for sure, the hardest thing is taming ones own mind, the one who is able to tame his mind is a warrior, but the guys and girls who dont have these troubles arent warriors either, beacuse they never tasted the childhood issues, bullying , low self esteem issues, so on.... all those struggles in first place to have are the reason for our Anxiety, depression, BPD, and so on.
little 9year old me never imagined the adult me as a fragile mental health girl, that 9yr older was braver and didnt cared about the world, get back her, although i had problems back then still i was a strong girl who didnt care about the world, get back her, world cannot change you, get back that little girl in you, these insecurities and issues didnt killed you, get her, all those wounds ofcourse you can heal, be a woman with class, who chases her goals, dont care too much about the world, do your thing, be yourself, those who are meant to be in your life will always stay,
also i need to stop thinking about past bad or embarassing things i did in past, this aint that 14 year old me, it took a while to build this me, i have grown up , i have learned from all those, all those experiences, depression, downfalls, cries, them laughing at me, puting me down, all those eventually helped me to show what real world is, im glad that ive grown out of it. i have grown up as a person, past cant hold on me, im currently a reputed doctor, im not under anyones expense moreover im in better position than anyone, it aint arrogance, its pride :) it cost me a lot me to reach where im now, im proud of myself and the path which guided me, im no more that old me. im braver and smarter and after all im me.
Atleast im glad im not in love, congratulations to u for that, u aint wasting your time on any mfs, i dont have to worry about those shits, i mean yes, love is shit, the stupid things these people show in the name of relationship is just shit covered with lust for sex and good looks, now although i get attracted to people, its natural, well im trying to avoid it, still im braver and smarter those 3 month relationship people, i can focus on my mental health and my goals, :) and yes true love do exist, like my parents and family have for me, but about colleagues i dont trust anyone, 90% of them are fake as fuck, except a few like Ardra, Aparna, Nikitha.. about a life partner im not sure about it at the moment in my life, atleast im hopeful and i can meet someone who share same values as mine and who vibes with me. i trust in god, when time ripens i can meet him, untill then i should keep my heart safe, dont let it play like all those foolish assholes do around these days, dont fall into traps of this stupid world, people sucks, they the herd follows some shit, although we are also influenced by it so we try to copy that, but dont do that, how you tame yourself away from those shits says a lot about you.
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