I wish I was stronger, but it's okay, At least I'm glad that I'm logical and sensible enough to find the roots of all my insecurities and problems. Maybe someday I can overcome and outshine it. My issues arise primarily because of the toxic judgemental environment I grew up in. Certainly my parents were not the best, they did a bad parenting job and my judgmental family and relatives and many classmates in school was mean all those incidents, really spoiled my self esteem and how I view the world. They always told I'm not good enough, honestly i believe, What a child hears in childhood have a huge impact on her life, and those traits and words is something she is gonna imbibe and implement throughout her life unless she makes a strong decision to change. The change begin within her. So that's what right now happening to me.
But I'm stronger than all my traumas, I can overcome that with my willpower and bravery. Wound wasn't self inflicted. But healing is my responsibility, maybe short steps I take will heal it, eventually by 30s I can be that strong girl I dream of myself. Who isn't insecure, she doesn't shut herself away from the world because she thinks she is not worthy of anything, she doesn't agrees with whatever they say just because she is scared to speak out her opinion, she is gonna speak her mind and opinion, she is gonna be carefree and wild, she knows her self worth and value, she believes in her intellect and power. She doesn't have to please anyone. It's her life and she is the protagonist. :)
Well currently being 21 I'm certainly not in a great position, though I'm academically successful and so on than many people who put me down once, still at times, I'm not able to appreciate who I'm, Believe me, mental health is a real thing in my teenage i never imagined that i will grow up into a sad adult like this, instead i dreamt of a strong girl. I often feel low of myself and concentrate on superficial aspects of life, I don't know why exactly I can't be content with what I'm now, I think appearance is one of the main root cause of all my issue. since my childhood im told im not good enough, they made me to believe I'm ugly therefore low self esteem roots from it, thus as a consequence of low self esteem I couldn't stand for myself or speak out my opinion or make friends, I was a people pleaser, a side line character in everyones life, i always wanted to be perceived as a nice person so even if they are a asshole to me, I try not be as mean as they are.
I often worry about past, I mean all those bad things ever happend to me, I'm a chronic overthinker I dont know what else should I call it, I don't have a diagnose but something is wrong, I can't forget how bad someone treated me in the past, I just can't forget, those memories still haunt me. All the embarrassing things I did keep playing in my head especially when I'm studying. Idk why the hell, these things comes up when I'm studying, why not other times too? Certainly devilish action to distract me from studies and corrupt my life, he needs my downfall, but I won't give up, there's a strong girl inside me and she is a child of God and stronger than all her worries.. my god is stronger than anything, he will help me to overcome all these hurdles :)
The thing is that certain people who treated me bad in the past, like those school friends, some relatives, so on, I dont like them anymore, but can't cut them off either. What a irony, having connection with them, reminds me of how bad they treated me once.
Also I care too much about what others think of me. I want to stop this stupid act of obsession. I can't please everyone and also its not my job to create a good impression in thier mind, there are certain people, even if I'm how nice to them, they are an asshole towards me..
Well if they like me, that's good, if they dont then never mind. I had enough from everyone.. I had worried and killed my happiness enough, I wish no more room for that in my life anymore. I'm a individual like anyone else and I've my likes, dislikes, opinions like anyone else. I shouldn't feel any inferior :)
Yes I'm working on that :)
Also one more thing, attention seeking attitude, I should stop that, those who are meant to be in your life will always stay, so stop being a bitch. Also don't chase love, it will happen when it is supposed to happen. don't do it just because everyone is in one, first of all be a woman who chases her goals and not a girl who needs a man.. Dont fall for looks, it will deceive you. People are not as good as they look.
Keep the people with whom you feel good and appreciate you, rest just cut them off. Your mental health matters more than anything:) and ofcourse your future, study well, be a good doctor, work hard, get your dreams together, make your parents happy, pay them back, they weren't the best, yet they sacrificed a lot and tried to give a good life to me. So pay them back, take them to trips, give a life they never had, never deny them in their old age. Be with them. Be a good daughter. :)
After all be a good human, but don't get used. Be a women with mind and goals.
Stop caring about what people think, nobody is gonna pay my bills, my life is all about what I make out of it. So work hard :)
What they think about me is influenced by their interpretation about life so its inbuilt in them. I can't change it.
Give your opinion, dont be scared, face your fears, you're no ones slave, you're a Human with brain, so you think, so you give your opinion.
About past, it's over, you can't do anything about it now. Forgiven I'm forgiven, no more worries over it. You can't undo, try your best to make the future better. :) nobody remembers all the little things you did. It's just you who is over analytical and over critical. Stop that. Give yourself peace.
Stop thinking about people who are not even thinking about you. You need to focus on your goals. BE A WOMAN😊🤘
Thank you jesus for showing that you love me, I certainly know it's all your grace you have saved me from a million troubles and gave me a wonderful career. It's my father above who loves me so much, he never let's me down. But just sadness happen, I think that's how life is supposed to be, but I'm little weak so things are harder for people like me :(
Give me wisdom and intellect to think.
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