Its okay Anagha, world was never a fair place and it never will be, now its over, so be happy about it, focus on your mental health and to become a better version of you, and when its meant to happen it will, you don't chase love, you let it happen it by accident, you purpose is to become a badass strong women, to be a women with a goal and purpose, to chase her goals and dreams, that is to build my career, study well, build good basics, be a good empathetic doctor and be a good girl with morals never go astray in search of random filth and lust, be a women with standard, meet new people and have wonderful meaningful conversations, get over your fears and shyness, be bold and brave and speak your mind, no hindrance, you don't have to please everyone, and you don't have to take in consideration of everyone's opinion and feelings, like do they even care when they hurt my feelings ? no right, so i dont have to be a people pleaser too, well what do i earn from that nothing but pain i dont want that anymore, i wanna be a confident brave women with goals and purpose, and i dont care what i did in the past or who i was in the past, my life is all about outshining and overcoming all my fears and to not to commit the same mistakes i did in the past and to acquire more knowledge and to crack this shell and be that badass women.
so yea, planning future, i will finish my undergraduate course by 2024 april.. aww finally i'm a doctor, aww, thank you lord without your grace i would have been nothing, so yea, DR. Anagha,
next i what i should do is a confusing question like i will be 24 by then, parents might be persuading me for marriage but no i got bigger goals and ideas than that...
i think there's many things i should do alone before i settle for someone and i belive life is'nt a settlement, i can't continue this viscious circle they consider as marriage the biggest goal in a girls life, that's absurd, i was told the same way to that is marriage is kinda the most valuable thing but luckliy as i grew up now i learned a lot about life and realised some things i was told was wrong, i can't marry a guy i just know for 3 months just like the way arranged marriage works here. it takes time to know someone, i cant settle for something to fill the void and drag my life into endless crap, life isnt about marriage, it is about building your own name and finishing your purpose in life, and eventually when its meant to be, u will find a better half, the person who finds it interesting to talk to you everyday and have meaningful conversations, to have all intellectual talks, dirty talks, all craps, to talk about my emotions and how i feel inside, all these talks, to have all fun together to make memories together but not the fairy tale movies shows but real and worthy and being aware of each others flaws and still loving one another unconditionally. i think thats how better half works, i hope to find someone. i give it to god, there's no better match maker than god. :)
so yea, focusing on myself, i'm thinking about going abroad because, reasons i will specify,
1. For a better standards of living, like i wanna walk around in amazing beautiful places and wake up and see beautiful sun shines and that's what i longed for in my whole teenage and early 20s.
i know i want and i should serve my poor and needy people here in india, so i should stay back and serve our people here that worth more than anything but when thinking in a personal perspective, and focusing on my well being i don't want to settle in this land, dirty landscapes and nothing worthy to go around for a trip or being surrounded by these toxic people everyday is so awful, but if i go to Norway or somwhere i could wake up everyday and see amazing fjords, thats fullfilng and dont have to take a froeign trip to see a nice place, a every sunday walk is enough to see amazing places around. its that beautiful things we all crave for in life right, but sometimes its a conflict whether if i should forget my roots and go abroad for luxuries or stay back, the kinddest settle for less and value family and places others need before theirs, i don't know what should i choose, for my better future or to serve people.
2. talking about work enviornment yes, i hate it here as a doctor, its too toxic, i mean i dont feel worthy enough, my jealousy colleagues, and fellow doctors who doubt my capabilities because of my social awkwardness i know everyone likes smart people , i should be one too but when im here i feel like people are too judgemental here and i cant be a new person i want to be because they already know me, whereas if i go abroad, i m in a new place, so i can wear a new personality and be whoever i want to be..so i can be a extrovert and nobody is aware of how i was before. but it also scares me what if i go abroad and it doesnt turns out to be what i wanted it to be what if my introvert personality still perissts due to my low self esteem, thats quite worrisome to think about, what if im gonna end up all lonely or in a toxic relationship oh jesus, i hope things does'nt go that wrong, i places my life in ur hands,
3. want to get rid of toxic relatives and envious people i know in my life, they are so envious so i dont want to keep in touch in with them anymore, so if i move away i dont have to face them anymore, like my colleagues and school friends too i hate them or i dont find any of them worthy to be in my life, i dont owe anything or anyone here in this land so i dont worry leaving here but i own my immediate relatives and family and that roots just cling me to here, and the place i grew up here where i had tons of memories. so like i said i want to get away from this toxic people, at the same time, its just confusing what should i choose.. maybe i find a worthy relationship by then i got other commitment too so the chances of going abroad decreases i might settle for mediocre life here, but dont say mediocre, if youre happy with your life it isnt mediocre at all, think about people living in usa having worthless lives and shamelss lives and as a drug addicts, giving upon family, cheating on partners, sex addicts, so on, compared to that our little life here is worthy so i should find happiness in my little life here and should afford foriegn trips, although i know ive a sucessful life academically and so but focusing on other goals and cutting off toxic people is my next goal. also the envious people i know will be so jealous if i move abroad, yeas so if incase if i move away i can show off infront off those assholes.
3.the most important is family, we ain't rich family like many rich indians, can't afford big foriegn trips or so. and i can't live a seperate life by giving up my family, i think i never could, i was pampered and grew up with my family and thinking back and recollecting everything my parents ever did for me, i would have been nothing if it was without them, if my dad didnt drove me to tution at 5ams or if my dad didnt drove me to zephyr every sundays or if my mom dint came to pick me from tutions i would have been nothing so they did contributed a lot for my future so once im grown up, leaving them here and moving abroad for better future is'nt a right choice. i have commitment to them, i have to take care of them in their old age, although i have a big temper issue, i should learn to control that out of love for my parents,
4. Independence, is a big concept here, I'm a 21 year old girl and im not even allowed to have a boyfriend or have connection with boys, its quite absurd that our society is so narrow minded, i mean yes parents say to focus on career yes thats good so i can be a strong independnt women but im not a robot i need emotional assistance, i m not talking about sex or other intimate things i dont care about it nd im not a desperate person but im talking about my mind, i have no worthy friends or a friendly parents soo with whom should i tell my all worries and sadness and things thats casuing me trouble and all my issues im facing thres's no one and thats why at certain times i felt like i needed someone in my life but nah, my parents woudnt like or i would be labelled as bad in society... so hold in my feelings and feel lonilier and cry every now and then to let out your feelings.
unlike west it's good that we are well nurtured and cared by parents, even till our late 20s we live with them, but I think that's quite shackling, once we are adults, we need independence and need to move away and live a life of our own with our decisions. like sometimes i feel like having own home, walking naked in my home own homeall alone, like in a way i mean independence, i wanna cook for myself, be lazy, etc.btw im grateful that ive my parents im so pampered that i even dont know how to live alone, icant cook much or neither do any chores, to college they wake me up at mornings else i will be late to college, although im 21 im still that school girl depending on my parents for everything its a great help at the same time vey irresponsible of me from a adult point of view. its quite shaclkling although i love my parents but its annoying that i cant even go out without telling them, it's like we need to give justification to parents for every decision we take. And even if i get married, girls are expected to live with the spouse's parents. yea i agree its kids moral responsibility to take care of parents in their old age. But it's better to keep in touch and a once a while visit, But in our country this lack of freedom is a overwhelming issue. Also parents and relatives opinion matter in the choices we take, for example when it comes to marriage, it should match the parents criteria. i guess ive more freedom im thankfull for that case. my dad is quite open minded in these scenarios.
there's societal and parental expectations. you're expected to marry at 25, have kids at 27 so on.. if they don't want kids by 30s parents and relatives will start pointing fingers at her saying, you're not a women if you don't bear a kid. what if i don't want to marry untill i find a man of my dreams....
5. Politics here, don't get me started on this, this BJP MF and secularism, casteism sucks, of course this is a racist country although i dont have to face much, as i have talked before colourism is very prevalent here, since childhood kids are told, fair is beautiful so kids grew up into assholes who discriminate people, well i had my own fair share from that, but as i get to know more people there's many kind non racist people around, like few of my colleegues i see that as education increases, people are more wiser and not shackled by these inbound tagline people created around here, and yea castism is shit, what the fuck, you are born as a indian then you are born with a caste tag how absurd, well living in a metropolitan city i have never faced any discrimination regarding that in my life, but when i take a closer look, its shamefull that when it comes to marriage is when people are divided by castes tag and matrimonial caste tag advertisements are annoying as fuck, thats even further didving people,i mean why the hell this discrimination even today, fuck bhraminism, just because they are born under this tag u think they are supposed to be superior, fuck that.
this casteism is pretty bad among lower socio economic strata people, its sad that some people are still blind folded by this shits, especially the older generation, even tho my family not is discriminating kind of people but they still follow this caste line tagism and says like' oh he is a nair' ? im like what the fuck is that supposed to mean, he is born equal as me and u, nothing like caste tag makes him superior. and northern india sucks i mean poor illiterate states like UP, Bihar etc are still under the shackles of casteism and low caste people are still treated badly, i demand equality for all. It's like you're born with a caste tag, idk it exists nowhere else other than in this narrow minded Indian society. Only this indian community is biased to consider certain group of people belonging to a community as superior and others as outcast. well I'm surrounded by nice people I don't think I ever faced any black marks. But that tag is tag.
i wanna flee from here because of BJP, i hate bjp because its against secularism, im aganist hinduism though but i dont hate people because of this religion, i belive people have different interests and belifs but this bjp trying to make india a hindu nation is a pity, we all should be granted to have our own likes and dislikes. and this politicians are so absurd and without any degree or even common sense giving the keys to save the country is so shitty, that they dont want to save country they dont care if the country sink or not but they got to fulfill their selfish needs. and stupid cultures here is absurd, superiosim for men in family, women is supposed to do all the chores, and going to husbands home after marriage, mother fucking cows, marriage, colourism, fair brides, and all these are said rules in our country thats something i hate here, we live in 21st centuary and we dont want to continue that shackles, we need freedom, love and care, independence to fly away and fulfill our dreams and goals.
Dowry system - okay, you might say, it's not a big deal in this current generation, but it's a deep rooted issue, on a societal level it's a big issue, I see that everywhere around here. Idk why in the world they expect the bride to pay a hefty amount and gold to the marrying party. It exist nowhere else but in india. Male child favoritism in certain parts of india is rooting from this I guess, so that they don't have to bear the girls marriage expense.
Reservation - I think it is a curse too. Although I had reservation but I don't regret it because I had Marks as par with any other general category student. Reservation was to uplift the poor but its badly implemented so the real poor community is not benefited. And it's a shame that reservation is a helpful tag for those general category students who fail to even gather enough marks but can easily put the blame on reservation so that their inability to work hard can be overcomed by shaming reservation. I see that everywhere on quora.
Population Explosion - It would have been nice if there was some 1 child policy, and rules to strictly implement it. We are already too many people. its absurd that people are still making a ton of kids. maybe if they want a little photo copy of their own why more than 2. gladly im childfree, ive more goals than bearing a kid, i mean everyway i never carry a kid, i dont want a kid because i dont want to spend my time and commitment on that, why should i spend my money on a noisy kid, if i could afford a foreign trip on that same money, kid all they do is look cute, and maybe gives hugs and can cuddle other than its all demerits, they are noisy, i dont care to clean them or bathe them i can't hold those responsibilities to clean thier poop or feed them, and once they grow up they turns out to be arrogant teenagers and bash at parents i m suchh a possesive person too so i dont want that kind of victimization too, why should i walk around with a big belly and be extra cautious, for 10 months for this kind of harssments..
i can never imagine myself doing that, i cant be a good mom either, idk why the hell people see pregnancy as such a thing or biggest achievement of women hood, its filthy i guess, that blood and shit yea, i know its natural and im a doctor and i gotta deal with lot of it, but its career and when it comes to personal life, im never going to... its not my thing i cant bear all those responsibilties, then they ask, what if you feel lonely? well thats why im gettig a boy and a dog, i think thats enough, we will make enough memories to cherish.
its a unsafe society thats a case with everywhere else in this world, i havent lived anywhere else so i dont know about there but here its brutally unsafe you could be seen as a property attracting men if u roam around alone at night,, its so absurd... You have to tolerate Creepy stares from Creepy men that exist everywhere i guess but quite predominant in here india, and judgemental aunties especially if you're a girl walking around in western clothes. GOSSIPING AUNTIES in neighbourhood exist in nowhere else other than india.
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