Recalling my childhood and hard days

Growing up, I didn't had much influence in life or someone to look up to, or someone to guide me, neither any loving friends or a friendly family or anything at all as far as I can remember. It was tough.. I could say I somewhat parented myself and taught survival skills, unlearned many things which I imbibed from my family and surroundings.
Atleast I am proud of myself for where I am now, but childhood and teenage was hard...
It's like we weren't a privileged class, I grew up in a lower middle class family, added to that people i was surrounded were so ignorant, you know right according to Indian standards to be labelled as pretty you have be fair, well being born in darker complexion, I was a disgrace to everyone around me, my ignorant relatives were so mean to me, there were times when my own brother, grandmother just made me feel bad about my looks just a lot of times, even my own mother, she had called me names and even told me, if I am dark, it's a bad thing, I will never get good marriage alliance in future etc, only i know how much badly these words impacted my young mind, the person who is supposed to be my good friend and tell me that I am beautiful just the way I am, just made me loss all the confidence.
I am not completely blaming them, but I am thankful for many things they did, my parents were so kind in all other aspects that they protected me, gave me food, clothing and everything but they were ignorant that they never knew how to love a child, and pamper them with love. I don't know if I ever received any affectionate hugs or anything. Maybe yes, when i was a infant.

If I am talking about how unfriendly parents they are, I never ever talked about my feelings or personal problems with them, we just have formal conversations it's all about fees, books, and food. That's all. Sometimes it just gets lonely living with them, well, I can't undo or start to be friends with them all of a sudden, after all it was their mistake that they gave me bad outlook about our relationship and sour experiences. Father is like, he barely talks anything at all. You see, how hard it is for me.. 

A child's first outlook about life comes from her family, well as a heavily criticised child and unloved kid, I grew up to be someone with very low self esteem and eyes full of fear.. during early teenage I never even believed that I had a purpose in life, I never had any hobbies or anything, never read much books, i wasted time over social media, lived in a world of fantasies, fantasised celebrities, was a fangirl once, had some bad friends who influenced me in a bad way such that i started to wear make up because they made me believe that cute stares from boys was a rewarding thing to make me feel that i am good enough to be looked at atleast.
I was just a side line character to everyone's life, I believed that my opinions was not worth to be heard so I was always the silent girl.
I had let them exploit me mentally because I never had the courage to believe I am good enough or to speak up for myself.
Sometimes I wish I had a better parents and childhood but that's impossible if it wasn't for these situations and circumstances current me wouldn't have ever evolved.

I was a average student upto 10th std, but in 11th when I joined to a new school I had no friends at all, being loneliness my only companion I was compelled to make myself appear busy doing something, loneliness diverted me to my goals, and I started to work hard day and night, started to do mcqs whenever I got time, studied and aced my exams, for the first time in life I really started to believe in my potential and started to believe that I worth something, indeed I worked hard, and definitely hardwork is never wasted, eventually, I got a good rank in medical entrance and got into the best medical college in my state, since then the neighbours and relatives who used to laugh at me earlier now looks me with respect 😌, although many of the relatives and friends are secretly jealous 😂. I am thankful to god, that he lifted me infront of people who used to put me down.. 

If it wasn't for this Dr. tag I wouldn't have been nothing. Once I was kid who endlessly wasted time over social media and fangirled over celebrities, well now I am a hardworking studious person, someone who chases her goals to build her name and to contribute to the society.

And so now as i had spend time with educated and people from elite class, I realise how little my appearance mattered to them, although good looks have undue advantage in the society, but it's always the personality and the brains that actually matters, currently I am so grateful to come out of the shell of false beliefs and assumptions once I had.. 

If i could recall my younger self, just before the world started to point fingers at her with disgust and judgments, I was a bright cheerful kid with eyes full of smile and energy, I laughed carelessly, walked without fear and did things without caring about what others will think of me, I was a confident little girl, I could talk endlessly about things, i used to ask lot of questions and talk with strangers randomly.

But then one day I let the words they threw at me define me so did I lost the battle and insecurities and self deprecative beliefs entered my life.. 

In younger classes I swear teacher always used to complain that I talk too much in the class. Now i wonder lol 😂 what did i even had so much to talk about?... nowadays if any colleagues sit nearby I tremble, I hardly have anything at all to talk about, even though if I have questions I remain silent because not all people are nice. 

Earlier part of college wasn't nice either, although i achieved good rank and Mark's still i had all those low self esteem issues, which I thought would run away once i enter into college but college was even harder than i though. During first year my social anxiety was at the peak, comparing to people I felt worthless and incapable, was unable to get along with people. It was just tough.. I cried everyday, I wanted to escape, I wanted to feel I was good enough but I felt miserable everyday... eventually as days passed by, hard college days shaped me into a hardcore introvert who is always silent, who have very less opinions and who always sits alone in a corner. I was depressed for the past 2 years, primarily because I thought I was a miserable incapable person and i have a bad life..

it was unbearable but I survived the hardest days without letting people know about my troubles, I had no one in a world of 7 billion to lend a shoulder, I used to think what do I even worth, I have no friends, family doesn't care about my feelings, school friends are jealous and doesn't talk to me anymore, relatives are dumb as f and still despise me..  in those years of 2018 to 2020 October, man, I struggled so much.. I wish I could go back and hug my younger self, little did she knew about the world..  but she tried her best.

And then on my 21st birthday last year when my classmates wished me I felt like they really cares about me? And for the first time it felt like i am not unloved as i thought, I told a friend about my problems, she was so much helpful, she made me feel that I am needed and we went to a therapist together, also I started meditation.

Deleted Instagram and all toxic social media which I used to compare and worry about their social media lifestyle... also cut ties with some people i used to talk with. It was necessary because they were just wasting my time that's all.

Also I started to become little more assertive and made bolder steps, stopped posting on WhatsApp unnecessarily because why? What for ?, since the day i drain off all my toxic beliefs and people out of my life.. guess what, My life got better and i am happier and content with my life more than ever.. I started to feel enthusiastic about learning, and now I dont see being a medical student as a burden I genuinely love all these knowledge and someday I am gonna hear all of those history and should diagnose my patients and should prescribe adequate medications. So eventually it feels like I got my life all together 🙂

Although i still worry sometimes, when people do me wrong, when people are so recklessly mean and rude, etc but I know this is much better than how I used feel when I had wrong priorities.  

Well its just that we grow up, as a young kid i was shallow and had little self awareness.

But now i am older and wiser,.

I wouldn't mind being honest, once i was so naive and little bit foolish but she was innocent, and she believed that everything she believes is the only truth, about crush, boys, family, her own insecurities, appearance, about people, career, sex, many more aspects which i lived through..

But now i am older and realizing that things i used to believe were false. 

And i suppose, i am not yet the best version of me i want to be, i am still in that process.. I am still learning and unlearning and unleashing my genuine self.. 

And i suppose 28 year old me would be way more Assertive, braver, confident, different in logic, thoughts, priorities and maybe she would be reasonable enough that she would know how to tackle her life.

The thing about current 21 year old me is that i am full of anxiousness, uncertainty, fear, caring too much about what people think of me kind of feelings.. well, I am a people pleaser 💔😕, that sucks you know..  you can't even speak up for yourself because you have to make them feel better and put yourself down.. 

I have been trying every single say, someday I feel proud of myself for staying strong whereas if it was the old cry baby me, I couldn't stand any hard self degrading situations I just drown and abandon myself after any little harsh encounter. But nowadays I kind of try to be there for myself when I am in a tough situation and i pick myself up, hug myself and affirm myself that these silly situations or what they think about me doesn't really matter. My intrinsic worth is valued by my skill set, hardwork and Achievements. :)

Well it took me 21 years to realise, that I am already enough and my appearance is the last thing that defines who I am. And I have seen many girls who are kind of not even that attractive according to social standards, yet they stood tall and confident. Whereas me, even though many people told me in that past that I am not that bad looking, yet I always had insecurities. But those girls made me realise, its via the personality they climbed up the ladder. I am still learning and will keep learning..💚😊