I am a Third year Medical student, and I feel like i am missing out a lot of things in my life, most of the times i try to stay positive and passionate about what i learn, but sometimes when i think too much i ask myself "Is this Boring life is what my younger self always dreamt of? She dreamt of doing adventures, doing fun, going to the beach, being carefree, having friends, being popular with colleagues, letting people know me, and all the good vibes. I always loved to be a doctor but now coming to reality beyond books i have no life. Yes i love to brag and when people tell me, "oh wow you're a med student?" but now it feels like more like my decision was mostly revolving around getting a good reputation in society and doing better than school friends and relatives who once mocked at me, it was a competition, maybe little bit of love for medicine too but I wish i had something to be happy about my life like fun, smiles, you know.. good vibes! ( i am not depressed ;), but just my expectations about life not met)
I have no social life, I have never joined any clubs, or never did any public speaking, I barely know much people , I may have some knowledge on stuffs beyond academics and lot of opinions to share but i have never met someone who is interested to hear the things i want to say, i have no genuine friends in college, i hate going to college because i am always shy and alone, i am not the kind of person who is active so people barely cares about my existence, Being in clinics is hard too, my fellow group mates divide among themselves to learn together and to go for history taking from patient together, where i am like the one who is left out, but its okay at least i am at somewhere i always dreamt to be, I am happy that i made my parents proud when i got good rank and got into a good college. and irrespective of these harsh situations at college, i work hard to become a good doctor, because i am from a below average middle class family, so only if i work hard i can get money to fulfill my dreams, also if possible, move out of this country, sadly i can't i have lot of commitments here, like to parents, lack of money, etc :D.
I am 21 and have never been in a relationship, i am from a conservative family and having a relationship before marriage is kind of not a good thing here, added to that with a below/average looks and shy personality i had never let people know me for who i am, i used to skip the opportunity when i had to interact with people much, because of my lack confidence rooting from "not so good looking so people wont like me" perception about myself, (Not so beautiful yet these days i try to stay positive for who i am and look at my inner self and achievements i think for me that's what count).
Also sometimes i worry that, there's 7 billion people and among that at least a 20,000 would be in my age group and would like my company, but what if life never offers me the opportunity to meet at least any one of them, what if i am gonna waste away my 20s living an average life which i am dissatisfied with, in a small city in India.
I have a very amazing family, my parents were from lower middle class family yet they worked hard to give us a good life like materialistic life and cared for my needs, however these days most of the times i am disrespectful to them, because i don't know maybe because i am 21, everything i do is right in my eyes and i blame them for my emotional neglect as a kid, we don't talk friendly anymore, most of the times i feel like i want to move out, but at this in life, I can't because i am dependent on them for everything and its not so safe to deal with things all alone because i am a naive and people could easily exploit me.
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