I just dont know, i feel so bad..
Im crying rn.
I wish life was better. I wish i was better me.
I hate this life.
Ik its beautiful to be alive but i can't bear this, but i have to endure this...
Im a fucking 21 year old with lot of dreams and ideas about how her life should be. But rn i can't do any of it and instead im supposed to live a life what society and what my parents what of me.
I'm living not for me, but for them. What i hate about this indian culture is parents are the owners of kids even tho im a adult i have little choice of my own..
First of all this career was just for the sake of society and reputation. Idk if i really like this. Rn if u give me a choice and if im confident enough.. I'd rather choose something and somewhere i love to go.. and with colleagues who love me. Instead of this toxic shits im surrounded by.
21, yet i have no liberty, im fully dependent on them for everything. Fuck this life, a individual is supposed to be responsible for themselves. But here especially being a girl i have no choice on my own..
They brought up me with inferior complex and cowardice so rn i can't even live my life.
Ah fuck, toxic colleagues who barely care about. my existence.
Idk where should i go to. Whom should i depend on.
My life has become a trash..
I want to do things with my life, i want to live life on my terms, i want to date, i want to have a compatible partner, i want to travel, i want to do a career i love, and everything a 21yr old is supposed to do, but all i have is this restricted misery life.
I hate this.
This society believes as soon as you graduate you are supposed to get arranged marriage but wtf, tbh then where's my choice, i want to live my life, and not to settle for some asshole. Indian society. sucks. They believe marriage is kinda sacred. And by 25s someone should get married. Fuck off... i should decide what i should do with my life, not society or family..
Fuck they dont know that the compatibility is the thing.
I fucking want to go abroad and live my life the way i want but im scared whether if i am capable to crack the exam and get a admission there or where will my conservative family will manipulate me for marriage no idea whether if they will sponsor me to go abroad..
I hate my life, im almost 22, and it sucks being 22 here.
As a gift of childhood they gave me nothing but insecurities where they constantly made me believe dark is ugly they still say it. And those shattered my self esteem. And they instilled self deprecating beliefs in me
Also my toxic classmates who made me feel shit everyday
My fucking cowardice is so awful that i barely be my real version when im with people. Im this fucking people pleaser
I fucking wish i could be my real self when im with people.
Idk maybe im too dumb even to express, i feel like dying rn, life seems so miserable, and no one to lend me a shoulder, nobody gets me the way i get me. Nobody shows interest in who im as a person. I am fed up, im tired, tommorow i have exam and i just feel overwhelmed about it, i used to like this subject but rn i just feel awful and dont even feel like studying.
Please somebody help me, idk.
Its so awful that there's too many people in this world and im so alone and crying in my room.
Why can't i have anybody even though im a nice perosn.
My classmates are peices of shit, i would never like to spend even a second with them, all i am hoping for is to get out of this shit country, and go in search of my dreams, surround myself with better people, find myself and live on my own terms.
I want to be assertive, stand for my own rights, i have to speak my mind without hindrance. What kept me all my life was my inferior complex. Well i fucking worth as any assholes in this world.
And chasing dreams.. at 22 you're supposed to do thing, but its okay, not everyone is born with same privileges, now all i can do is endure and slowly work on who im, improve my social skills, work on my personality..
And be that fucking amazing person by the time you graduate. Now just hold on baby.
Its okay, rn, they make you feel so alone, but its okay you're there to chase your goals, please hold on for a 2.5 years. You did it for 2.5 years and now please just few more years too.
And about going abroad, no matter what, no matter what, you should fucking go.. dont listen to them just dont get lured by them
You have to go and find yourself.
You dont have to stay here just because you were born and lived your 25 years here.. you have to move away to find yourself.
You have dreamt about it all your life and please dont betray yourself..
Yes please dont betray yourself.
You have been a obedient woman but for this time.. you're 25 and you have to fucking make your own decisions.
No matter what, i swear, you should move abroad.
Dont betray your younger self.
Parents are parents but you can't deny your dreams....
Its not hard as it seems, you will do good. Dont panic about it, now work on this stepping stones.
Remember they dont matter, your current only focus is your mental health.
Tips.
You have to face the fear to get rid of it
You have to work on your social skills nobody will come to rescue you, if you don't help yourself.
Don't kill yourself for someone else. They dont worth it, they are a peice of shit, and they dont deserve to take a space in your head, take all those toxic disgracefull forms of living beings out of your head, flush those shits in the toilet.
My current focus is who im as a person.
I want to work for her.
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