birthday Baby☺

I am happy to be you. Happy birthday baby ☺️

I am genuinely happy to be you. 

I know how much you worked hard to reach where you're now and im proud of you. 

For what that matters to u what you should focus. Anyways happy 22 babe😏🥰😚😚😚

You've grown a year older, with much more experience and wisdom. :) an year has changed a lot, perhaps a much more change in my mindset in positive directions thats why i dont panic about those things which haunted me an year back.. 

Still i can say I'm somewhat sad and dissatisfied in my life. Especially because of my self esteem issues, social anxiety and about how awful some people can be and that i am not able to be my real self and put myself out there, i am scared of judgements :( 

I believe myself to be a nice person but i dont know... 

I dont want to overthink myself into depression. 

I want to stay optimistic and happy. I think the wiser you're lesser you'll be affected by external influences. 

I want to build better me.. its a gradual process.. 

I have to stay strong :) only you're there for yourself. 

 

Birthday is kinda day, you waited the whole year, and finally its day.. atleast for real i loved the bit of love everyone showed me today, atleast it projects that how much people cared enough to wish me☺🐣. I  am grateful for all those who genuinely loved me..

Isn't birthday really a special day because you've waited all year long for this special day... i kind love this date.  22/09.  And fucking wow.. this is a Wednesday exactly like the Wednesday i was born.. 

Well you love the day because of you, why don't you show that same kind of love towards yourself:) i know self esteem and self hatred is a hard concept, i hope you take it slow and easy, dont rush, there's people out there who have it even harder maybe just people are less critical to think for profoundly, i am glad my baby is introspective that she is brave enough to know its okay, she is getting better because she is trying her best, she's not lazy , she do her best, because doesn't she only have dreams, she have goals to accomplish ☺. 

I hope you stay focused on what you want and what makes you happy despite what toxic unwanted people projects. Trust me they don't matter.

Also i just wanna write a lot, but my hand aches and im short of words.. 

Not i wish, i have to try, its okay to fail or make mistakes, everybody does that and nobody is any better than the other person. 

An year 2020 September to 2021 September quite a lot of things has happened  just mentioning worthy things here and some insights.

1. An year back i suffered a lot with inferior complex, comparing to social media ego booster posts and worried about an online crush which was useless... 

Now an year back.. none of it matters.

I dont want to recall what I've been through, but i want to appreciate and embrace even though i thought can't withstand still i kept moving forward and i survived.

2. An year later things that still matter to me is my parents, few of those genuine friends, my career.

Although i don't appreciate I'm fucking smart.

3. I worried very much about not being good enough in my academics, i thought i was doomed in my academics... but eventually i worked hard and ended up doing my best. Perhaps even tho i didn't did the exam well still i can kind of say, i worked for which i thought its impossible to me.

4. I want to remind myself i am loved, i am capable and beautiful ☺.

I mean i still have insecurities its a big issue to deal with and unlearn. But i have tried to accept who i am. 

And the concept of beauty, its transient.. 

5. In the year of 21 i had quite a few beautiful experiences where i met amazing humans who gifted me very beautiful memories.. and the most memorable of all of it is..  2 strangers, who touched me on a deeper level and we had really beautiful unfiltered conversation especially that guy from Denmark. I could still feel happy about how much he synced with me. 

Also the guy from Netherlands. We had a pretty cute conversations, i should'nt miss him.. because its how life is supposed to be.  But i miss his voice and chuckle. I hope he stay safe and happy!

Well i just wanna include this too, ofcourse i told you I'll be more optimistic and will stop being so pessimistic.. but i just want to let this off my chest. 

1. Its a strangulating thought to think about that next year my brother will be here anymore. Ofcourse we love each other as a sibling but we never showed it exteriorly, but lately we just try.. ofcourse you know right how family traumas ruined our childhood i mean ofc parents tried to give their best but not the best. In a way their regulat fights and argument, and patrichial relationship kind of ruined our perception about life in general.

Well its a depressing to think about, we are growing older and drifting apart.. 

Just its disheartening..

Also another thought is that my granma. Sorry for saying this but anyways i have to say it, i dont know a year later on September 22, 2022 whether if my granma will be here anymore.. idk its just heartwrenching to think about, she is an amazing and very innocent women, did everything for us, its too depressing to think about..

Moving on to next topic..

Actually something I'd really prefer is getting an opportunity to talk to someone who is actually interested in hearing what i wanna say and where i could talk about anything unfiltered... 

It was an long time ago isn't.. 

I wish i could meet a stranger with whom i could talk about my perceptions and belifs or perhaps about my traumas and experiences which shaped who i am as a person.. or i wish i could read about books, discuss ideas, having some meaningful conversations.. 

Not exactly pretending to be an intellectual.. but being real and crude, being our awkward self at the same time.. projecting and showing up as who we are with all our flaws and showcasing our distorted perceptions and learning from each other.. once a time, i had met a such a person person.. it was for a short time but he acknowledged and appreciated me for who i am and it was a lovely conversation I'd always adore.. i do not wish to go back to meet anymorw internet strangers because i feel its meaningless 90% of the times.. 

I had quite a few amazing experiences but moreover rest of all of it was time pass and wastage of my time and productivity. I don't want to indulge in something crappy which doesn't add meaning to my life..

I'm grateful for my life and existence. Well this isn't perfect, i definitely feel disappointed and dissatisfied but i have to survive.. 

I have accomplished the dreams which i desperately wanted some time back..

And that i as an individual matter, i do my work honestly and genuinely, i make rational decisions and is introspective. Although i never appreciated myself enough, i am above average student. Only such a person would scorre 85+ in both her boards. 

I worked for my exams and my priorities genuinely, but its sad that i never realised how much a individual i was.. 

Self worth was a hard concept. 

Now im 22, literally 22 wow.. time flew soo fast, i could look on back to 2015s and ot just feel like yesterday..

Especially since 2018, time started to run.. 

Over last 3 years, quite a lot of things has changed. I definitely acknowledge that I've grown as a person, 

My perceptions, beliefs and values have changed over time.. experiences has taught me many things which i was new to once. 

I thing its not a miracle but a lesson we all have to relaise is that, wisdom or wise is that more the time you survive here, the more you do, the more you expose yourself, the more you endure, the more you grow older, the more you live... 

You are learning and Unlearning new things.. 

Perhaps, life is it is.. 

As a 17 year old, i could realise how narrow minded my perceptions was, i would get crazy over few random quotes over a cute guy,.. 

But with cumulative experience and exposure...

I have known and acknowledged many things which i didn't knew before..

I'm not yet the best person i could be, I'm still in this journey of getting better...

There could still be many immature things and beliefs which i hold are immature are irrational, which is not oblivious to me now..  but my 27 year old version would be even wiser to know better...

Like when i was 15 i was a little teenager and i was just new to the world, didn't had the experience but with cumulative experience as i grew older i realized many things i found fascinating those days or fantasized were just stupid lets say, the soul mate thing..

As a 22 year old, my belifs and perception are modified. It'll even be better in future. 

I'm glad about the good habits i picked in between the journey and the immature beliefs and habits i tried to change as i realised it was so distorted. 

The best habit i picked up was reading books, over time it has influenced me more than anything.. the way it taught me how to think better and sort my life and made me realize the roots of my own terms.