hey :)

March was actually hard okay. 

Feb last was when dad went to Kashmir and I stayed at molus. It was good day with her. I do miss her. But mentally it was so challenging. Some fucking driving and shit, took a toll on my mental health, but see. It also helped you grow right on a brighter side. 

March was hard. I mean i was just starting to learn, I thought I'd be easier. But my mind was just learning to learn. 

Then towards the last of March, actually, I am glad, I was able to keep myself on a postive note, good habits, reading mindset and also power of thinking, I'm so glad I was superb happy then :) 

I did discovered a part of me tbh which I have never did in the past years. And also.. kozak tula :) well that redditor was great.

And then April.  Was great :) 

I remember that day we went to see sabu Chetan and megha chechi, they were amazing and truly I had great time with them, but on April 7 or something honestly coming back I was feeling so bad about staying here and was still stuck with the decision is this worth it all. 

Then I called Revathy chechi in uk and honestly she helped me to get back on track then I was doing gynec, honestly it took me fucking one week, and again I was trying to be positive and honestly I'm glad i pushed through it was all really tough, considering very little time did you had. I believe I had some postive force behind me helped me stay positive and hopeful.. and then towards mid April, I started patho, for the first time stuyding but was also forgetting the next day. It was hard. Well I know consequences of me not doing good during my prep time initially. 

But that's okay we are not gonna go over broad. 

So yeah and then mother came over. Idk why but yeah neet registration, dad kind of suggested that I take tmc again. Honestly it took a hell lot of rage in me. I was so bad bitch to them. I'm really sorry dad for hurting you. I love you 🫠..

Also my mom. One of my best assets in my life tbh :) 

And then we met megha chechi and all at mall :) it was 😃 great. 

Then I started studying medine. It was good experience, because honestly I loved it and wasn't really worried. I was fucking working hard so much, especially, in the days I started to study resp? I think. I was fucking sick, despite that I did my best. I think all that counts the most.. when you were at the worst you did your best. I think there's someone out there who's counting all this :) remember what ent sir told you, universe like the stubborn souls, who doesn't give up, who push through! 

And then towards april 29, megha chechi and all were going back to Australia, well went to their home.. honestly it's all about our decision to do what we want to do. I think it's one of the best decision I took, going there metting them it was such a pleasure.  I felt so loved tbh. They were so nice. Also having get to spend time with my dad. Also my lovely dovey, girl :)

She's the most adorable princess I love her a lot tbh megha chechis daughter. 

Very well brought up :) unlike toxic people I've as relatives and stuff. 

So anyway, 

I felt so lonely and missed them so much that night tbh, I was feeling very idk how to express. I was badly missing them i felt like a part of me was gone when they were gone because I felt so bonded with them. They are so nice. Perhaps there are people like them all over. Maybe I just have met the wrong kind of humans all this times. Yes. That's true. .anyway. 

I didn't want to feel so bad that day, so i did posted on reddit, and I did talked to people on reddit to keep myself busy and not worried. 

It was fine. I moved on and studied for the next because I didn't had time to worry and waste. Then was surgery. Honestly I didn't worry much. I did kept my enthusiasm, despite the fact that I was having so much in front I am not sure why didnt i worry about it at all. I was like, no matter where I reach, I just have to fight untill my last breath, I was fine. I was passionate and hopeful.. and did surgery beautifully,

Next was around 11, starting obg but then that girl texted and honestly was killing me inside and i started to feel worried. Then also forgot to mention towards start of May, I was seriously worried about my dad tbh. It took a lot on my mental health. .

Then despite feeling fucking horrible, i pushed myself through it stuyding obg and then we started with psm. .and then inicet day. That week pumped up my mood a lot. That week I was actually quite smartie pants, that week we studied, patho, anatomy, micro and paeds. Then towards end of that week my energy started to drain that's i think last of May. It was fucking horrible and it was when that hurricane and stuff happened.24th may  Seriously it was so hard and I was doing ophthal honestly I'm glad i pushed through also crying in between. I remember the days when i fucking cried so much and that week was so hard other than opthal i think I did radio, psy, dermat just once. 

It was less than previous week. That week honestly drained me killed me. 

Not just that, I was having horrible intrusive thoughts, germophobic, and yeah that lizard story. 

Man it's been a fucking tough week.

Seriously , and June 2 that was. Next few days I was trying to feel ok and normal again. But fucked it he called me what for, anyway let's try to think it in positive way. Either it happened or not, but honestly me being psychotic in those days. I was on verge of anything, atleast I'm glad I didn't over share. And for next four five days was a nightmare. My delusional self started to romanticise it and fucked me up. I was doing anesthesia and physio. It's been really a bit hard.  

And from 2- pharmac, 3 - break I think 

4,5- anesthesia 

6,7,8,9 - physio. Fuck it. Four days. That's ok.  Sometimes we all need a break. Just imagine as if we were on a tiny little break. 

Honestly I'm so glad exam got postponed:) but still that very day I was wondering why the fuck did they postponed. If they didn't I would have really fucked up tbh. I'm glad god truly worked in my consideration. 

He really did. 

I don't think other than that, anything it is. Because it's a fucking huge miracle. 

For the god who can do miracles. I do hope he sustain me for rest of the months too :) 

It's all within you Anagha :)

For my girl who worked so much in month of April and may, you deserve to work hard in this two months too. I'm sure that'll fetch you an amazing rank :) 

So need not worry a thing, do your best 

In these all moments one thing I know is that, all I have is me. Seriously be it good times or bad times. I don't truly want anyone crawing back to my life again because I'm fine. I'm happy doing my thing and on my own.. I don't fucking care about other people's shit.

I struggled enough to bring back my sanity. Whatever it is, good for them. Enik entha. I only had me and it'll always be so. Areyum bodipikande karyam illa. Oru ....  polum. Honestly now I don't give a fuck.. 

In this fucking time, remember that you're your own. 

I feel like the stress mostly comes from the fact that expectations you've to show and meet expectations of certain and certain people that's when the worry come. 

Honestly world is a big wide place and you don't even owe anyone a damn. Expect your damn self. Also gotta remind about your most important people in your life tbh.

You only them in the most toughest times of your life. Seriously. When my dad had the fracture or new year or anything :) 

Just remembered that. People can have opinions that doesn't mean, it's your truth. 

Times just passed by you know...

It just does. 

It's how fucking crazy in last one week I think I was stressed and psychotic. I am glad it's over. 

See how irrational I was and my beliefs about it.  It takes a different change and a few days to be really know how you feel about it. Trust me never rush. Just never trust your first comings. Always think about consequences and after effects and connect with you and experience and then come to conclusions. 

Seriously, the perspective change damn. Perhaps I was stuck in the loop and I just needed an reallity check. Today i went to drop off my mom and that brought the realisations tbh. 

For the girl who worked hard. I'm doing this for her. Fucking her okay. 

Don't fucking crawl back to my life. Just that's it. 

I don't give a fuck and I don't wanna give a fuck.  All i care about now is me. Just me and my career. Just me and my career and of course my important people like my family :) 

Remember your fucking worth and life queen :)