Since a past few days, i really wanted to write you an email.
Not about any problems but about certain thoughts about life.
Actually march, April, may was great that's why you never heard much from me. I was truly in love with myself 💞.
But
June truly was so tough, for the fact that one person ( that muslim friend right) who left me when i was in depressive phase and now after like 8 months decided to call me and ruin my peace of mind. They were never there in the struggling phase with me instead they left, yet now trying to get back. Soo low of them. Talking with them for like 30 mins truly traumatised me.
Honestly June was such, it put me through much struggle just because of that one call.
I'm literally changing my number once this current plan expires. Because see I've literally cut off every single person I've known from college. Not exactly because they are bad. But because talking with them kind of brings old fragile, people pleaser me. I don't want that me anymore.
I've grown up from that so much truly. Now I feel like I'm the lady i wanted to be :) she's outspoken, brave and have smart opinions to share.
I know when we met the first time and over all those years I was so meak, worried, insecure girl :)
When I talk to those people from college they only knew that me, and unconsciously I feel suppressed when i talk to them. It's mental ties old image of me just tied to interaction with them I guess. I've killed and buried that past version of me, but ties with those college people just kinda digs that, plus they just know the old me so they aren't flexible enough to understand growth. Infact they never said that but it's just my mental ties linked to them and old me. I'm long past and killed that me. Cutting them all off from my life truly has been the best thing I did tbh.
It feels like I've my life to me. That six years were a bad dream from which i woke up now :)
And those people and memories all died with that..
I just can't imagine those people in my life anymore, I don't think I could hold any conversation with them tbh. It just feels shallow and just not my type. Honestly I'm glad i pushed through those six years. I can't believe how i did. :)
Not making myself seem innocent here. I was stupid as well. Perhaps I had to go through that to grow up.
Now it's over and they are out of my life which is truly a amazing thing to realise. That they are out of my life. Nd I can truly be my own self :)
Anagha grew up from that so much. Truly proud and also grateful to people who stood with me in this three four years of progression:)
You, reddit share a huge part in that. These strangers I'll never meet made all the impact than the people I've ever known in my rl tbh .
So now I decided to write this email for you because, see i was scrolling through my old pics from 2021-2022 and all, that was when I was on reddit and seeking validation for who I'm as person. Honestly speaking if i weren't on reddit I would have never found myself or accepted myself :)
I'm glad reddit helped me see myself in a positive way..helped me to finally love myself and realise that I'm loveable :)
So i was scrolling my gallery and saw pictures of myself I couldn't really stop crying myself because that was the me who was so insecure and shy, she hid her self from the world.. she thought she was absolutely hideous and ugly.
But
She was soo pretty 🥲. Only now do I see the prettiness
I never appreciated her tbh.
I always thought I was so ugly
Now I'm a bit for older like 3years past that, my youthfulness of 21 is bit faded, perhaps not that lovely as young me :)
but that young me was really pretty tbh I never felt pretty at time two three years back infact I was surrounded by people who told otherwise to me
Sometimes I think, If i had never taken medicine or if I had never taken that horrible college probably my life wouldn't have turned that bad and or it wouldn't have traumatised me.
Only those people, those circumstances made me go through what I went through.
Honestly i swear none of my relationship/ those whatever those guys dumped me or whatever I felt bad then. when I look at all those, now I just simply laugh and smile. Atleast i had fun, so there's nothing to worry about it.
I remember after the first dude I was like heartbroken, so worried and you used to help me a lot, I still can see those emails in my old inbox.
But looking back it's so silly none of it matters, i really don't have any fuck to give about it or it doesn't concern me.
I didn't lose anything if I'm being honest, not even my dignity because infact i was just looking for a fun time, atleast those were all with dudes I found physically attractive, none of that was love but atleast I've no regrets. Just experiences that's it. Looking at that me, I was more over worried because she was lost, she was insecure she didn't think anyone else will pick her, she didn't think she had anything else to offer to the world or never thought a guy would pick her over another etc. those all was her thoughts. It was never about the guy, but 22 year old girl was just trying to find herself. She thought that dudes validation will help her find it. Infact from horrible college life she lost it her damn self and she thought validation from these guys will help her find her worth. Maybe that's why she felt lost. In fact it was never about the guy haha.
Now I think about it truly laugh 😂
Such a progression ain't it.
At this point if a dude do that to me. I could care less tbh. Because I'm rather secure in myself.
But when I think back there's only one thing that truly traumatised me. My college life experience, for those five six years where I lived lifeless and living a miserable life just to fit in and trying to just pass by each day. Horrible experience, mistreatments, inhumane experiences. Horrible. I hope nobody has go through that. Only that thing hurts me and traumatise me.
When I think about that, those people, people i thought were my friends, those horrible experiences, only those people traumatised me tbh.
None of my so called relationship really traumatised me or i have a ptsd.
For instance I'll tell you, one of the guy called me two days back, i didn't even pick up the call, it was that simple for me.
And next day i woke up and day was as normal. Because I don't really give a fuck about it and really no emotional investment or trauma or anything, i really cried about it so much two years back haha, but that was just passing by emotions. not something that's stuck with me..I say this because I know majority of people around my age are traumatised by some relationship and stuff.
Honestly i don't have that. And that's not me, worried about by some dude :) there's always better ones out there 😆.
I'm more traumatised by my horrible college experiences and people i had faced there.
I'm glad that's over.
They have no access to my life anymore. Infact I've cut off all ways anyone from past ( that is college could contact me ) I've removed all my social media and even changing my number :)
Sometimes it's the best thing.
Once I remove that part off my life, honestly it's so beautiful,
I got to get my degree, the dr tag, previlage to learn medicine, my parents, I do have two amazing friends, they are not from college but from my school, :)
Also there's a beautiful world out there to discover explore.
Honestly these days I mean any longer I'm truly my own damn self and that's most beautiful thing anyone could do to themselves.
That is to be unapologetically be themselves.
I hope this doesn't seem like self boasting email or something. I just truly wanted to tell you these things, because you've seen me from very low phase to now. So you know it well how everything has changed :)
A few years back, anagha wouldn't have said all these. Instead she would be sending you an email crying about something. :)
Now I just learned to laugh, smile 😁 and be cheerful.
Comments