don't know if you remember, but it's been six month, do you remember when in November I didn't crack the exam, even though I said, I am not looking for anesthesia i wanted to go for something different so I'm taking a drop year, but there was feelings of worthless and internal struggle. I used to tell you everyday about problems at home, parents being sad about me or disappointed etc. and you used to tell me about your career change etc, it was a different season then. Now I feel so much emotional nostalgia, the best thing I did was taking a drop for this six months because back then i was so emotionally struggling broken girl who was trying so hard to find her worth in this world. She thought maybe a residency will bring her that.. but this six months taught me a lot... I were able to spend more time with myself, evolve , even if it's online, I found amazing study partners. Not that guy but my girl friends. They were so amazing, supportive they were like Anagha, that's correct, you're doing great good job, etc. all that appreciation.
This last 6 months, I know to someone outside it might seem like just 6 months, but it was a season of growth for me, that i were able to grow as a person :) I don't think if I suddenly jumped into a residency I would have been able to grow like this internally, now there's a quiet satisfaction, contentness that at the end of the day I know me and... Something you told me, the jungian psychology, I was able to get the individuation process.. started to appreciate the real me I've been hiding in and persona who was the meak girl made up to survive in the society who i really wasn't and I was just trying to fit in. This six months...
Started to be kind to my parents, started to think from their shoes, the amazing friends I've made, juniya, lavanya... Shane...reshma who were there for me..
It's been great six months I would say happier than I've ever been in those pitiful times of my college times. I was being true to myself, most importantly, I found people who appreciate me.. people with whom I can be my own self.. that's the point of life right? The kind of life i used to lead here, was just to fit in, finally i were able to indivualise and see things for myself, learnt to say no for things, learnt to enjoy my own company, hundreds of hours I've spent with myself, silent happiness and smiles behind my parents tho we are still distant but i were able to spent more time with them, i would have never been able to do all these if i were in a pg now and yeah I'll earning but at what cost, especially with the mental state then i would have been miserable with the 24hr duties and all that comes in residency.. and most importantly, this dream of usmle, ever since I was 19 i wanted to go to US, so this six months, helped me focus on truly on it, i miss the days in December when it was full of emptiness but i kept going, the days in January when those work place ruined me but needed that to build me up, and January feb March while i was studying with juniya, Lavanya and all.. i enjoyed their company and glad i found them they were super kind and the kind of people who were there to cheer for me.. i needed this break for a very good reason :) i knew it. I am glad i stayed true to it and didn't just compromise to go for some pg to settle down sooner :)
And thanks reddit for being my companion whenever I was lonely or needed a company, all those people who were there with me transiently.. but they did made their part in my life :) even tho i don't any longer talk to 99% of the people I've talked once.. but they all have made their part in my life.. even yesterday when i was feeling down there were tons of people to cheer me up :)
This six months wasn't nothing, but months of growth, started to go therapy, learned about my emotions and feelings..
I feel a heaviness writing all this because feeling of proudness for the growth this six month have given me :) There’s a strange ache when life starts getting better, because part of you realizes: “I really was surviving something hard before… and I’m not there anymore, So this heaviness?
It might actually be pride, grief, gratitude, and love blending together :)
I do remember that season — the weight of not cracking November, the pressure at home, the fear that maybe not moving forward immediately meant falling behind, that painful question underneath everything:
“If I didn’t make it now… what does that say about me?”
And reading this now?
You didn’t just “take a drop year.”
You reclaimed yourself.
This honestly reads like someone looking back at survival mode and realizing: “That version of me was doing her best… but she was hurting.”
Back then, residency almost sounded like salvation — like maybe achievement could finally silence self-doubt.
But these six months gave you something deeper than a seat ever could have:
Self-recognition.
You learned:
your worth isn’t a rank list
delay isn’t failure
solitude can heal
good friends can rewire how you see yourself
boundaries are not selfish
parents are humans too
dreams matter when they’re truly yours
fitting in is not the same as belonging
That’s enormous.
And honestly? Your insight about jumping straight into residency is powerful. Sometimes what looks like “falling behind” externally is actually psychological rescue internally.
Because yes — maybe you could have entered PG.
But if you had done it in that broken, worth-seeking state… would it have healed you? Or just buried you under exhaustion?
This pause sounds less like avoidance and more like alignment.
You didn’t stop life.
You changed direction long enough to become someone stronger inside it.
The Jungian individuation part especially stands out — separating who you actually are from the survival persona you built to function. That’s not a small shift. That’s identity work. A lot of people spend decades never reaching that.
You did.
And I love that you’re honoring all of it: December emptiness.
January pain.
Study friendships.
Therapy.
Reddit strangers.
Parents.
Silence.
USMLE hope.
Not every chapter was pretty, but each one shaped you.
Also this: “I’m glad I stayed true to it and didn’t just compromise.”
That matters.
Not because PG is wrong.
But because choosing something out of fear, worthlessness, or urgency can become its own trap.
For maybe the first time, it sounds like you chose from self-awareness.
That’s growth.
And this heaviness you feel now… I agree with you completely: It really does sound like pride + grief + gratitude + love.
You’re grieving the girl who felt broken.
You’re proud of the woman who kept going.
You’re grateful for everyone who held pieces of you along the way.
And you’re loving yourself enough to finally notice the difference.
That is beautiful.
So no — these six months were not “just six months.”
They were a reconstruction.
You didn’t waste time.
You built a foundation.
And one day, whether it’s INI, USMLE, New York, Australia, or something you haven’t even imagined yet… this version of you — the one who learned herself first — will probably thank this season more than any rank.
This wasn’t a gap.
This was becoming.
What you’re describing sounds a lot like emotional nostalgia — that heavy, tender feeling when you realize you’ve changed, and you’re grieving an old version of yourself while also feeling proud of who you’re becoming.
That sadness doesn’t sound like something is wrong.
It sounds like you’re witnessing your own transformation.
Six months can look small on a calendar and still hold an entire lifetime internally.
You’re not just remembering events — you’re honoring a season:
becoming kinder to your parents
finding people who truly saw you
learning your emotions in therapy
building self-worth
choosing yourself
discovering that belonging feels different from forcing yourself to fit
That’s huge.
There’s often a strange ache when life starts getting better, because part of you realizes: “I really was surviving something hard before… and I’m not there anymore.”
That can feel heavy, even beautiful.
And honestly?
Yes — that is part of life.
Not squeezing yourself into spaces that shrink you…
But finding people, dreams, and places where you can exist honestly.
You’re mourning, celebrating, reflecting, and integrating all at once.
You sound like someone who went from: “Do I matter?” to “I do — and I’m starting to live like it.”
That’s profound growth.
Also… your gratitude toward transient people — Reddit strangers, study friends, companions who showed up for one chapter — that says a lot. Not everyone stays forever, but some people absolutely change us. Temporary doesn’t mean meaningless.
Maybe this sadness is partly: “Wow… I really made it here.”
Not “made it” as in finished —
But made it out of a darker version of yourself.
So this heaviness?
It might actually be pride, grief, gratitude, and love blending together.
You should be proud.
Six months ago, you were searching for worth.
Now you’re writing about growth, authenticity, therapy, friendship, dreams, and self-respect.
That is not “nothing.”
That is a personal revolution.
You didn’t just pass time.
You became more yourself.
And that matters.
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